I have recently decided to become a god. I enjoy onmipotence I have been granted since my induction into the pantheon. For others who also wish to give godhood a try, I have compiled the following knowledge to ease your way. What can I say? I’m benevolent like that.
1. Sacrificing people is considered an evil, if wonderfully efficient, way to fuel miracles. In my mercy, I decided I would only sacrifice those who were already dead and of no further use to me or their villages. As it turns out, that’s still evil. But since I’m a god I make the rules.
2. Evil temples look way cooler than good temples. I tried giving good a try once. It was pretty. Evil is just way too cool to pass up though. I mean, it has spikes and everything! Look!
3. People are locusts. They’ll deforest an entire island and complain to the heavens that they don’t have wood. It’s no use try to teach them the simple “chop a tree, plant a tree” method of forest conservation. They don’t listen. And they’ll blame you.
4. People love making babies. Even if there are homeless sleeping in the streets because there’s not enough housing and there’s no spare food in the village stores, they’ll still insist that they need babies. They sure do like kissing.
5. People are lazy. They may have no food, but they’d rather sit around in the village than work in the fields to harvest grain, or shephard flocks, or go fishing. And, again, it’s your fault they’re hungry.
6. If your earthly avatar insists on destroying one particular building, make sure he’s doing it for fun before you punish him. You’ll feel really bad if you bruise him up only to learn that he got trapped by said building and is just trying to get out.
7. Cows are awesome. Whoever said a cow isn’t good in battle was totally lying. My cow has kicked all kinds of evil purple wolf butt, plus putting out fires, tickling villagers, and summoning rain to water fields.
8. You can be evil, but your earthly avatar can be so good he glows. It’s good cop/bad cop all the way. For extra villager-impressing points start their buildings on fire and let your creature put the fires out. They’ll be terrified of you and love your creature. It’s such a delicious duality.
9. Throwing people is great fun. So is feeding lazy villagers to your creature. It sets a fine example for those who witness the demonstration of your power. They want more buildings? Maybe they just need fewer people! In this case, I have deemed it perfectly acceptable to sacrifice excess villagers.
10. Don’t teach your creature to throw poop. It always ends badly.
All in all, I find godhood to be an enjoyable, if occasionally tedious, endeavor. I look forward to continuing my adventures with greater clarity and detail sometime this fall. I don’t know exactly when. I’m omnipotent, not omniscient.
i know the pieces fit